Build your own parish junior team....

Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage.Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning. Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood. Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end.An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making. Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game". Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team. Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club.About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger. midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up. midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something.Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary. Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school". Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I.in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word. Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points. Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly.Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something. Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

Disturbing picture of life among the silent majority

THIS week, I am handing the column over almost exclusively to a club footballer from Sligo who paints a graphic, if somewhat disturbing, picture of what GAA life can be like below the waterline of the high-profile inter-county scene.

As somebody who is steeped in Gaelic games by birth and inclination, he writes as much in sadness as in anger and offers a case history, which will no doubt resonate with hundreds of other clubs players. His letter throws out genuine challenges to all levels of the GAA and to others too, including the media whom he feels should present a broader representation of how the inter-county scene impacts on club players. He writes:

"For some time now, the press at national and local level has been preoccupied with the sorry lot of the inter-county GAA player, with plenty of space dedicated to highlighting the raw real our star players receive. Rarely does any journalist bother to address the dreadful state of club competitions the length and breath of the country. By giving you an example of what I endure as an ordinary club footballer, you might begin to realise just how badly treated we are.

"I play club football in Sligo, but like the majority of my generation, I currently reside in Dublin for work purposes. Life might be a lot easier if I opted to join a Dublin club. Less travel, better facilities and probably more thanks.

"Every January, myself and hundreds of other Dublin-based players from clubs all over Ireland start out on the long road to summer football. Leaving work and hurrying across Dublin to training sessions in often cold, wet conditions is regarded as par for the course. Every weekend we make the long trek home in order to line out for club teams and, personally speaking, I have never requested or received one penny in expenses.

"I do this because playing for my home club gives me a great sense of pride and belonging, a feeling of carrying on a tradition that began with my grandparents many years ago. Playing for any other club would never provide me with such a sense of belonging.

"The sad part of all this is that during the summer, I will hardly kick a ball in anger. The league begins in mid-March and the championship is pencilled in for the end of July. Last year we had breaks of up to five weeks between games because of Sligo's extended run in the championship.

"Most annoying is that I play for an intermediate club and, given the absence of intermediate players on the Sligo senior panel, it seems ridiculous that footballers like myself should be sitting around with no games during the best months of the year. This is not unique to Sligo.

"It is for this reason that I am currently questioning the sanity of heading out to training three nights a week. What's the point? Come summer, I will be sitting on the sofa watching our elite inter-county players light up the GAA scene. Of course, without the thousands of players like myself who are braving the cold wintery conditions, there would be no inter-county competition and, in effect, no GAA.

"The majority of club players might never grace Croke Park, but that's not to say they don't dream of it. What else would stir the ordinary player from the comfort of the armchair and the television when sane members of the population are tucked up in the warmth of their homes in front of blazing fires watching Champions League soccer or Eastenders?

"I will probably clock up more than 4,000 miles travelling home for games between March and the end of summer and for that I will receive no thanks or recognition. I'm not complaining, for the simple reason that I love it so it's no chore.

"What I am complaining about is the lack of games I'll receive and the lack of continuity that will inevitably occur during the course of the club competition between now and the end of summer. All to accommodate our inter-county stars?

"Extensive newspaper coverage, exotic foreign holidays, the best of medical care, career enhancing exposure, meals after training, free gear and travelling expenses to boot. Who said the lot of the inter-county player was a bad one?

"Try paying for gear and add in no meals after training or games, no expenses to travel home for matches, poor training facilities with very amateur (although well intentioned) trainers and little or no exposure.

"That's the lot of the poor unfortunate club player. And for what? A handful of games over the course of the year. Maybe it's time I turned my hand to summer soccer where I would get more games and probably more thanks."